I am struggling. I promise. And it’s hard. It’s super hard to be struggling. The word struggling means facing hardship, right?
I am struggling with the concept of self-love. I need an expert on self-love to hit me up. Because I am struggling. Allow me to clarify. It is not that I am filled to the top with self-loathing and hate,no. I have just had several people telling me that I do not show evidence of self-love. And I wonder why. Do you see my hardship now?
Where am I going with this?
Maybe first of all I should explain. While I am not the most self-loving person you will find on this earth, I do love myself. Except for the times when I find joy in caring for other people and putting their needs before my own. After all,that is what makes me a great high school teacher- teenagers, anyone? I know, right? I do love myself- to a certain extent. Do I beat myself up a lot of the times- yes. But only when I am putting myself under pressure to perform. Do I have ideals so deeply ingrained in me that could be better off dropped-yes, but show me someone who doesn’t? Do I stay for a bit longer in relationships that I have no place being in- yes. But who hasn’t?
In my humblest of opinions self-love is a process. That all of us learn at different paces. It is an on-going concept- it is not a lesson you learn today and file. You need to practise it daily. It is in the form in which you talk to yourself. It is in the way you take care of yourself. It is in what you eat, what you wear, who you choose to talk to. But on some days self-love fails completely. The irony that I find in it is the direction you will take in getting yourself out of the slump is in fact a form of self-love.
Now let me be honest. After all who is Lissy without a bit of over-sharing? Right? I am in the most awkward of places mentally. Which is why I haven’t been writing. And it is hard- life is hard. I can’t believe how good it felt to admit that. The battle between negativity and positive thoughts has been real and I do not want to add pessimist to my character traits. But sometimes I will lie down and just let it take over. It is almost satirical. My mother says I am at a tricky age, bless her, so I have nothing permanent to worry about. I have been told that my policy of always aiming to reach rock bottom before heading back up has ceased to work. I am trying to figure it out. And when I do,or better still- when I find a therapist I can afford, you will be the first to know.
So go forth and love thyself. Also love thy neighbour. And read Matthew 16 Vs 19…
Love and light always,, even in the dark.